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By Deb - Mom of 3 Girls on September 2, 2010, at 12:54 am
I’ve been in denial for a while now. Not to where I don’t see and understand that certain things are happening the way that they are, but in that I push them aside, out of my mind, so that I can focus on day-to-day life and getting everything done that has to get done at that particular moment.
Because if I were to truly understand and accept everything else, I would be so weighed down with worry and guilt that I think I would literally implode
down to nothing.
But putting the worries and guilt away doesn’t help, for long. I know that it can’t solve anything and that it all ends up being so much worse when I do have to think about it. I know that – I just can’t deal with it all, together, and still function like I have to. Like the girls need me to.
I can’t even go into detail here about everything that’s slowly eroding – too many people I know read this blog, and I hate using this site as a forum for venting or complaining. Even though I know that’s part of why I began blogging to begin with. Some things are just private, and need to stay that way. I can say that physically we are all fine, and emotionally too – other than all of this baggage that I’m carrying around.
But I’m running out of ‘safe’ things to write about too, everything is so tainted and I am realizing that I have really no support system to speak of. My few friends have their own lives, their own worries and stresses to handle. And you can’t really dump your problems on people you say hi to in passing. I wish I had family I could talk to – really talk to. And therein lies some of what needs to stay private, because I simply can’t talk to my family, for a lot of various reasons but most importantly because it would only make some matters worse.
My worries, the situations that I find myself in right now, are almost entirely my own fault – so of course there’s the whole guilt issue eating at me as well. “If only…” doesn’t help solve problems, and I need to think ahead toward the future, not wallow in what could or should or would have happened. If only…
I think of where I am today – and how I’m so much better off than so very many other people out there, and I run up against the classic, “How can I validate my feelings when others are hurting so much worse right now?” question – and I have no real answer for it. Others are hurting, and many of them much more than I am. I am healthy. My husband and kids are healthy. We (currently) have a roof over our heads, we live in a neighborhood and a community that we love. Our kids do well in school and have enough to eat at home. But should that make my stress and fear completely invalid altogether? I don’t know, but I can’t help feeling that way. Which just adds more and more on top of worries that already seem insurmountable. At least they do right now, to me. Because it would take so very little to topple over this life that we’ve built here. And maybe it’s already too late.
I’m so focused on making sure that the girls’ lives aren’t impacted at all – that they continue on with everything as they always have done before. Which is easy when I’m putting all of the worries and fears aside anyway. But no matter how much I try to hide things, even from myself, I am still stressed out and I know the girls pick up on my stress – and on Ron’s as well. They’re smart kids – and they know something’s wrong. But I don’t feel like they need to face the uncertainty and fear – and with no concrete answers right now, I know that Abby’s anxiety wouldn’t let her rest if she knew how bad things could – or may – get.
I will come out and say this much – I’ve been lucky. It’s been luck, good fortune, providence, what have you, that’s kept my family fed and housed these past two years while I’ve been out of work. Not at all due to anything I’ve done to help. I just happened to get unemployed at a time when so many others were as well, and received financial benefits well beyond what I ever would have expected to have. So many others have already lost everything. I don’t know why I felt like that could never happen to me – to us… I have been incredibly fortunate to have had this extra time. But did I use it wisely? Did I adequately plan for when it would come to an end? Or just hope – and pray – that an opportunity would come along in time to save us when we needed it… It’s back to the “if only”. I still hope. And pray. Because even though I am an idiot, it may very well not be too late, I don’t know. And it’s the not knowing that’s partly eating me alive. I can’t plan for next summer, for next spring, even hardly for the holidays, not knowing what will be happening by then, where we’ll be or what I’ll be doing.
I do know one thing though – I have to acknowledge, even if only to myself, that we’re in a mess and that in no small way it’s a mess of my own making. And I don’t know to fix things, if they can even still be fixed. Solving the immediate problems won’t cure the long-term ones anyway, but at least maybe then I could breathe. I wish I had more faith, in myself. I wish I had more faith – period. Along with making (and keeping) friends, that’s something else I’ve never been very good at.
I’m sure I’ve been talking in circles and really, I wrote this post for myself, not for anyone else to even read. Maybe I’ll post it – or maybe not. If so, the comments will be closed because I’m not looking for sympathy (undeserved) or commiseration (or anything else) right now. I just need to grow up and face what I need to face, accept what I need to accept and do what I can. Either way, it’s helped to get my thoughts down in black-and-white tonight.
And maybe, I think, I might actually be able to sleep. At a somewhat decent hour even. For once.
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By Deb - Mom of 3 Girls on August 31, 2010, at 10:54 pm
By Deb - Mom of 3 Girls on August 30, 2010, at 11:53 am
Somehow, the summer seems to have slipped by – the last few weeks full of final plans for fun activities, as well as the ‘getting ready’ ones for the girls to head back to school. They now know who their teachers and classmates will be, and will see their classrooms tomorrow at ‘Back-to-School’ night. Becca’s preschool won’t start until the week after Abby and Hannah go back, so I’ll have to think hard to find some fun things to keep her busy during that first week while big sisters are gone all day.
Soccer will be starting up soon as well – both Hannah and Becca will be playing this year. I’ll be spending a good part of this week attending meetings, picking up uniforms, and getting our fall schedule in place, as soon as I find out what weeknight Hannah’s practices will be.
Backpacks are hung and ready, lunch boxes are waiting to be filled, and little girls are at a loss for how to fill these final few days with last-minute fun. The last week is always stressful – the anticipation almost too much for them and they begin to fight even worse than they have all summer long. I’m trying to get caught up this week from having been away for 3 days, while keeping the girls from getting on each others’ nerves.
Definitely a challenge. 
Today is my mom’s 77th birthday, and she’s been here all weekend helping to look after the girls while I was gone. We’ll be driving her back home to the Detroit area, and taking a second visit over to the Henry Ford Museum this afternoon to see an exhibit that we missed the first time around, a month ago – a fun interactive look at Play. We’ll meet my brother for dinner and then head back home tonight. It will be a long, busy day but should be a lot of fun too. I’m still trying to decide what we’ll do this weekend over the Labor Day holiday – kind of the last hurrah before school starts… For the past couple of years we’ve visited Mary’s family, but they are in the process of getting ready to move, so the girls and I will be on our own.
The end of summer is always filled with the anticipation and excitement of all the changes a new school year brings, but a tiny bit of sadness as well, since we’ll miss our lazy days and summer sun.
This year though, I certainly won’t miss the heat and humidity – it’s been a HOT one!
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By Deb - Mom of 3 Girls on August 25, 2010, at 12:47 am
See more photos at Wordless Wednesday and 5 Minutes For Mom!
Don’t miss out on this week’s chance to win a $100 Visa gift card, courtesy of Kellogg’s and BlogHer, over at my other site – just stop by and tell me what your favorite Kellogg’s cereal is!
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By Deb - Mom of 3 Girls on August 23, 2010, at 4:06 pm
This week’s theme is “Beach”, which is extremely timely since we just spent the day at Lake Michigan yesterday.  When looking through all of my beach photos from over the years, the two that stuck out to me the most are ones that I actually took yesterday, with my point-and-shoot camera (you can read all about why if you want). I really like how both of the pictures came out (they’re two of the ones I included in yesterday’s post) and both photos show Becca – the big girls were out splashing in the waves at too far a distance for me to take very many photos of them on this particular trip. After playing around with the editing some, I finally decided on this one that shows the incredible waves that we had at the beach, and how much fun a certain little 4-year-old was having while splashing in them. I love how vivid I was able to get the colors!
So here’s my entry for this week, and don’t forget to check out I ♥ Faces for more wonderful “Beach” photos too:
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By Deb - Mom of 3 Girls on August 23, 2010, at 3:58 am
So you know how when you’re packing up everything for a fun-filled day at the beach… And you remember everything – from dry clothes to towels, sunscreen, flip-flops… And snacks. But even though you think several times as you’re getting everything together and running around the house to find sunglasses and shovels, that you really should grab spare batteries for the camera – you know, just in case… That’s the one thing that slips your mind, even as you make a pit stop at the store to purchase water bottles and floaties for the kids. And when you finally arrive at the home of the golden sand and bright blue waves, get everything and everyone settled – and pull out the camera to start shooting away… Only to see that feared message flash on the screen as the lens retracts, “Change the Batteries”.
That’s never happened to you before? Wish I could say the same… Sigh.
All was not completely lost however – even though the teensy little gift shop at the beach apparently doesn’t carry batteries, and I apparently don’t keep AA batteries in any nook or cranny of our van. Thankfully I had listened to one part of that nagging little voice and had at least thrown my point-and-shoot camera into my beach bag. Because that is the only reason why you’re going to see, as well as hear about, our amazing day at Lake Michigan today. Oh I took a few photos when we got there with my phone, but without a safety strap in case of accidental drop-age, I wasn’t about to walk through sand and surf with my precious iPhone in hand.
So even though I didn’t have the zoom capability or the manual settings that I was itching for, I realized some important lessons today when it comes to taking photos at our family outings. I don’t have to take totally amazing photos every single time I get the camera out (not that mine are totally amazing anyway, but still). I don’t even have to play around with the settings or have manual controls to get totally amazing photos – or more importantly, to simply capture memories of our fun times together. Sometimes being able to simply point-and-shoot is – perfect. And… I need to remember to get out from behind the camera from time-to-time and actually participate in making those memories. Because that’s even better than perfect. That’s what my kids will remember. Not Mommy always pointing the camera at them… But Mommy playing with them.
Mommy played with them a lot today. Out in the water where the strong wind created the kinds of waves that kids only dream about jumping and diving in – but which give parents water safety nightmares. And in the sand where the girls dug and poured and created sandy masterpieces. In the surf, where Becca and I sat braced against wave after wave threatening to topple us over.
But yes, I did get a lot of awesome pictures with my point-and-shoot camera too. After all, the girls had both my mom and my brother there to play with them as well. And besides, no grown-up is going to compare to the joy of splashing, digging and just enjoying every second of being at the beach.
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By Deb - Mom of 3 Girls on August 20, 2010, at 9:57 pm
Becca is an odd duck in a lot of ways. Not in the same ways as Abby, which is honestly a relief- but she’s definitely one-of-a-kind as well, in her own way. She’s stubborn and opinionated. Tomboyish – but loves wearing dresses and girly stuff too. She’s smart but wants to do things the way that she wants to do them. She’s pretty much fearless when it comes to climbing, jumping and such – with a few exceptions. She won’t go anywhere near a tunnel slide, or the tunnels in play areas for kids to crawl through. And although she certainly speaks her mind at home or with family and close friends, she’s always been somewhat shy around other people, especially ones she doesn’t know well. In fact, over the entire last school year, she apparently hardly ever spoke at preschool – and never really talked about the other kids very much at all. She knew their names and would answer questions about them if asked, but never initiated play with any of her classmates or talked about wanting to see them outside of school. Even in the mall play area or at the park, Becca would usually just play by herself or with her sisters and never really reached out to other kids at all.
It was a little bit worrisome, and I’ve been glad over the past few months to see this slowly start to change. First, on her birthday – and then a couple of months later, we ran into one of her classmates (a boy, “C”) at the local play spot and they played together for a couple of hours there. And she suddenly began going around exclaiming, “I wuv C!”. And my friend Amber has brought her daughter to play a few times and earlier this summer Becca seemed to want to play more with her when she was over too. I’ve seen big changes during our last few mall trips – Becca has not only responded to other girls wanting to play with her, she’s actively sought out other kids near her own age to play with as well. And announced to me on more than one occasion, “I made a fwiend, Mommy!”. She’s ran around and played with Hannah’s friend K’s little brother several times when we’ve seen them and over at K’s house when we were picking Hannah up one day. I have to say, it’s been awesome to see her finally reaching out to and playing with other kids.
This summer, I put Becca in a couple of sessions of a “Preschool Pals” class in July. I mentioned to the teachers there that she tended to be shy, but they didn’t notice that in her at all. She got along really well with the other kids, and apparently the whole little group of girls during the last session had a blast together every day.
Then there came today. Which also started out well, when we ran into one of her former preschool classmates at the park. Becca hadn’t noticed “O” until I pointed her out, but then ran right up and gave her a big hug. The girls ran off to play together, along with another girl that we didn’t know. Perfect. At least until it came time to leave…
Becca’s not really one to throw fits or tantrums – that’s Hannah’s thing. Becca will get stubborn and outright refuse to do things (until we get firm back with her), but she’s not much for crying, screaming hysterics. Which is why today caught me so off-guard, I guess.
Becca wanted to know if O could come over and play. We have her phone number on the class list from last year, so I talked to her dad and he was definitely agreeable to getting the two girls together to play at some point. But Becca was inconsolable – she wanted either to stay at the park to play with O, or she wanted O to come home with us. Right then. I think she was afraid that once we left, she’d never see O again.
I felt horrible – here she’d finally made a really good move toward a friendship and I had to pull her away. But it was dinnertime and too late to do a playdate. I told Becca that we’ll have O over sometime soon, but I ended up having to carry a (fairly heavy) screaming, sobbing, heartbroken little girl to the van and hold her down to buckle her into her carseat. Even after we got home, she continued to cry for a while, until dinner was ready.
By the time Ron got home, she seemed ok. I told him the story and then asked Becca when she came into the room, “Who did we see at the park today?”. She replied excitedly, “We saw O!”. Ron asked her, “So who is O, Becca?”. Her answer?
“My best fwiend”, she said proudly.
I’ve double-checked and yep, we do definitely still have O’s phone number. Which I will be using to invite O over to play early next week. Becca had never seemed that overly attached to O, or any other little girl, while in preschool last year – but I guess she made a big impression on her today.
I’m so glad that Becca is finally making ‘fwiends’. I just hope that we can do so without all of the drama from now on. One drama queen in the family is more than enough – I’m not sure I could survive having two of them!
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By Deb - Mom of 3 Girls on August 19, 2010, at 4:55 am
It’s really strange… Considering that up until a couple of months ago I’d literally spent about a sum total of a few hours in New York City, it never really entered my mind as a place to think much about. Other than seeing it on television and movies – to me, New York always just meant a lot of noise, traffic, tall buildings and people all crammed together. When I first flew to New York in June, I had a short list of places I wanted to see (the usual tourist haunts, of course) – but I never even really thought about doing much else.
But then I walked. And explored lower Manhattan from just about one side to the other. And then I went back a couple of weeks ago and spent 5 amazing days exploring even further than I had before. And, completely unintended – I fell in love. With the bustle of the city, the utter ease at which you can navigate it on foot or via public transportation, the variety of people you see and hear all around you from every corner of the globe, the incredible architecture, the history, and yes, even the crowds, the noise and the urban-ness of it all.
I grew up outside of Detroit, but it’s not really a city that we considered much of a ‘city’. We hardly ever went downtown, and pretty much spent all of our time in the same few suburban areas. I’ve visited other ‘big’ cities over the years – Chicago, San Francisco, Washington DC, Atlanta are a few of them. I don’t know if it’s the fact that New York is made up of so many areas that I’ve only ever seen on tv/movies before, or if it’s just that much bigger – I do think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I’m an explorer at heart, and being set loose on a city with only myself and Google Maps to get me around was a challenge that I relished and thoroughly enjoyed. You don’t get the same sense of place from behind the wheel of a car as you do when you’ve walked every block or figured out the correct subway route on your own.
I’m not saying that I want to pick up and move to New York City – my husband would never consider it for one thing (he hates big cities with a passion). Besides, the cost of living there would surely shock me out of those sort of thoughts incredibly quickly. But I do know that I want to visit New York again – sometime soon. And I’d love to show my girls around – I saw so many families taking in the sights together and would love to share them with my own someday.
On my previous trip to NYC, I’d walked the 2+ miles from SoHo to the Empire State Building, figured out the subway in order to get back to the hotel, then explored Times Square for several hours the next day. This time I was staying right in the heart of things, near Rockefeller Center, Times Square and Central Park – and I had the time to see even more. I’d deliberately built an extra day into my BlogHer trip, originally since I’d never really been to NYC before, but even after going there in June, I was glad to have the extra day this time. I wasn’t thrilled that my sightseeing time came with a head cold – but I still managed to get around quite a bit even so.
On Sunday, I got some much-needed sleep and then moved my things from one hotel to another since my original roommates were leaving that day. The three of us had spent the previous evening walking through Times Square, eating pizza and trying to find anyone who could take a good group shot with an iPhone:
 Me with @CarolinaMama and @OneMomsWorld (photo credit: Jen)
I had an absolute blast – the hunt for someplace to eat was a lot of fun, the food we ended up with was delicious, and I couldn’t have asked for better company.
(photo credit: Jen)
We ended up at a little restaurant called Bella Vita, where you could watch them making the pizza… And pasta.
 (photo credit: Jen)
No the pizza wasn’t THAT huge – it’s just the angle. Really. But it was certainly delicious.
On Sunday, I had planned to have lunch with my 2 cousins, ‘R’ and ‘S’, both of whom have lived in New York (one in Manhattan, the other in Brooklyn) for many years. I hadn’t seen either one of them probably since I was in high school. Or even middle school. They remember me mostly as a baby and toddler, in fact. We’re not a terribly close family, which is odd since my dad only has the one sister and their parents have been gone for over 30 years. It’s probably in part due to geography – we’re spread out in Michigan, San Francisco, Minneapolis, Atlanta and New York. But I’d connected with my cousins over Facebook and it was so nice to sit down and have brunch together. I got to meet S’s new husband as well, and had a really good time catching up and getting to know well, all 3 of them really. We ate at a place called La Bottega, which is located in the Mariner Hotel – really a very cool building with awesome circular windows:
After brunch, S and her husband showed me around a little – we walked through Chelsea Market and they took me up on the High Line – a former elevated railroad that’s slowly being turned into a long garden area. It was so nice to wander and take photos – and there were some terrific views of New Jersey across the river too.
In many areas, the developers left the original train tracks and just incorporated the landscaping around them. It’s really very beautiful!
After I left the High Line, I’d decided to go ahead and try to make it over to the dock to take the Staten Island Ferry. It was getting a little bit late and I was definitely sniffly by this point of the afternoon, but I didn’t know if I’d get the chance the next day. I was so far west, that I had to walk several blocks to get to a subway station. But my way took me through the neighborhood of Chelsea – a residential area that was probably one of my favorite places to walk through. I saw a different side to New York City – away from the glare of the lights in Times Square and the souvenir shops are some beautiful, quiet, tree-lined neighborhoods where people live, bike, walk their dogs, shop and eat.
This area had those New York ‘stoops’ that you see and hear about. I love the wrought iron railings!
I took this next photo expressly for Hannah – who had asked me only to bring home a picture of a doggie being carried around for her. I thought this one in a bicycle basket was absolutely adorable, and so does she.
The ferry ride was incredible – both a dusk on the way over and in the dark on the way back. I was definitely feeling run-down at this point though, so sat in the terminal and relaxed in between, instead of walking around Staten island. Monday’s adventures included walking through just a small portion of Central Park, and visiting the Top of the Rock in Rockefeller Center, before heading back out to the airport and home. I’ll share those pictures another time.
When we think of New York City, many of the things that come to mind – crime, rude people, noise… Are nothing like what I experienced there. I don’t know if the areas I walked through are considered ‘safe’ or not – but I never really felt unsafe at all. There were almost always other people out and about, even at night. Everything was well-lit at night too. There was only one time I was a little freaked out – and so were my roomies, as we walked back to the hotel from Times Square and saw many vendors with wares spread out on sheets that they hurriedly gathered closed and hid when a police car cruised by. I later found out that fake designer bags are a popular item to sell in this way, and since they’re fake, the police will confiscate them if they can. Just another part of city life, I guess!
No person I met – whether fellow tourist, blogger, or native New Yorker, was at all unkind or rude. In a hurry, yes. Especially in crowded areas. But it was so incredible to hear accents and languages spoken from all over the world. Along with Spanish, which we hear a lot here anyway, I heard a lot of French. And other languages I couldn’t even begin to identify off-hand.
So I do truly ‘heart’ New York. And I actually really miss it. I’d love to get back there sometime and visit S in Brooklyn and see some of the other boroughs too. And I know my girls would go so crazy over so many things too – the stores in Times Square, the Empire State Building, Central Park, the taxis, and much more. Hopefully someday I’ll be able to take them back there.
At this point, I’m going to post more of my BlogHer thoughts over at my other site over the next few weeks, since they’ll involve many of the sponsored events that I attended and sample products that I received. But check back here for more NYC photos as well!
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By Deb - Mom of 3 Girls on August 18, 2010, at 2:49 am
By Deb - Mom of 3 Girls on August 17, 2010, at 2:34 pm
This week’s theme is “Sunglasses” and like most parents, I have a ton of cute photos of my kids in sunglasses. In fact, I’ve used a few of them before for other I ♥ Faces themes, I think. So I wanted to find something a bit different to use this week. I can’t remember whose fish-face sunglasses these were, but I think Becca looked absolutely adorable in them back when she was 2, and I love the contrast between the various colors. So here’s my entry for this week, and don’t forget to check out I ♥ Faces for more wonderful “Sunglasses” photos too!
Don’t miss out on this week’s chance to win a $100 Visa gift card courtesy of Kellogg’s and BlogHer over at my other site – just stop by and tell me what your plans are for getting the most out of the last few weeks of summer!
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