Ron has left to take one of the kittens to the emergency animal hospital.
And it’s my fault.
Or nobody’s – or everybody’s.
But it was my foot in the wrong place at the wrong time.
And Spots was right underneath.
Is it Abby’s fault for not going to sleep and keeping Hannah up?
Is it Ron’s fault for going in and yelling at Abby?
No. It was my choice to stand up and try to quickly walk around the computer cart to go and find out what the yelling was for.
I knew that the babies were down playing and running around like they do every night at around this time. I purposely tried to avoid stepping on them as they chased each other around and around on the floor.
Which is why I was off-balance and couldn’t stop when Spots ran right under my foot.
At exactly the wrong time. And although I tried to shift my weight so I didn’t land completely on her, I couldn’t avoid it entirely.
It only took the quickest of seconds.
And a living, breathing, running, playing – life – goes into convulsions and then is still.
Breathing – barely. But there’s something odd with her eyes and she. won’t. move. Except to convulse again.
I don’t think she’s coming back home. And damn it – we can’t afford a huge vet bill.
But she was playing and fine – and now she’s not.
And it was my foot. My responsibility.
My fault.
I sit here now watching the other four babies play as Snuggly tries vainly to catch and bathe them, and I wonder if they know that Spots is gone, probably for good.
It’s one thing to give them away – to find them a good home and know that they’ll be loved and taken care of.
It’s another to send one off in a box with my husband because I’m too scared to face the reality of what I have caused and I know that I would tell them to do whatever they must to save her whether we can afford it or not. And I don’t think I could handle hearing that there’s nothing they can do. I only hope that if that’s the case, they’ll end her pain so she doesn’t suffer.
The babies tend to startle quickly when we walk around the living room – and they run. Usually away from us – but there wasn’t much space between the computer cart and the recliner. I stepped away from where I thought the kittens would go. But Spots did go there.
There wasn’t any time to think. It happened in a split second.
I’ve never purposely hurt another living being – and I wouldn’t. How could I not have moved quick enough? How could I have done this? Why didn’t I just let Ron handle the girls? Spots is probably going to die – and I will have killed her.
And I have to live with that.
Update – Ron just called. The vet thinks that Spots had severe head trauma. She could probably be saved, but we’d be looking at hundreds of dollars, a hospital stay for her, and she would probably never be completely back to normal. I was in tears on the phone – I hate for it to come down to an issue of money. And if her quality of life could be back to what it was, I’d say to do whatever they needed to. But she’s in pain – Ron said she was meowing and screaming on the way there. I can’t bear to think of her suffering anymore, so I told him to do what he thinks is best. He’s having her put down.
I know it’s probably the best decision – but can’t help thinking, I know it’s ‘just’ a kitten, but what if it were one of the kids? It’s still a life, even if a small one.
An hour ago, everything was right in my world for the most part. And now, it’s not – and there’s nothing I can do to change that. In the morning I’ll have to tell the girls – which will be so hard, and especially because Spots was Hannah’s favorite of the kittens.
Ron just called again, apparently she had a turn for the worst and they said that she was fading fast, so putting her down was the most humane thing to do. That makes me feel a tiny bit better. For now, anyway. He got to say goodbye to her and is bringing her home so that we can bury her.
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July 17th, 2008 at 11:35 pm
Oh Deb. I’m so sorry. You can’t blame yourself though. Those little guys are fast and unpredictable.
Keep us posted, please.
Christys last blog post..The Evolution of a Ladybug to a Butterfly
July 18th, 2008 at 12:22 am
Hugs to you Deb!
I totally feel you. A couple of years ago we got a kitten who loved to get in the dryer. One morning I was in a hurry to get a load of towels in before leaving work and didn’t pay any attention to the kitten. I’m sure you know where this is going. I was devastated when C called me at work asking if I’d seen the kitten lately. My heart hit the floor as I instantly knew.
I was very upset for awhile.
Sigh..I’m so sorry.
Jeans last blog post..It’s A Good Thing Random Is The Norm Around Here
July 18th, 2008 at 12:41 am
OH Deb!! Big Big (((HUGS))). Hun I could just hear your pain in your post here. Please do not beat yourself up for this. Everything does happen for a reason. We are all here for you!!!!
Jen @ One Moms Worlds last blog post..5 Year Old Starting Her Own Business
July 18th, 2008 at 1:21 am
I am so sorry for your loss. Don’t be too hard on yourself, things like this happen. You’re in my prayers.
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July 18th, 2008 at 3:58 am
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July 18th, 2008 at 6:36 am
Oh honey, I am so sorry!! It was an accident. Don’t be too hard on yourself!!
July 18th, 2008 at 7:18 am
Ok, this is one of those times when I’m literally mad at my feedreader for giving me the posts backwards.
I’ am so so sorry, Deb. I truly am. I’ve been there in your shoes, just narrowly missing the same result. I cannot imagine how you must be feeling, but please, you are such a loving, caring person – this was a complete accident. No, it wasn’t “just” a kitten, it was a part of your family. I’m so sorry.
Dawn @ Coming to a Nursery Near Yous last blog post..Do you boxtop?
July 18th, 2008 at 7:34 am
Deb, I am crying with you. What can I do to help? I can\’t imagine what to do about the girls.
Kristis last blog post..#1 Flashback Friday 1974
July 18th, 2008 at 8:32 am
I am so sorry! I don’t often cry when I read a blog but I did this time. I had a similar incident when I was a girl. Please know that there was nothing you could have done. But I also know that you will feel this for a long time. I wish there was more I could say or do to make you feel better.
Snowbirds last blog post..Remodeling-Day 3
July 18th, 2008 at 8:58 am
Aww… so sorry for your loss.
( I hope you feel better soon. Those little ones move so fast. HUGS to you & your family!
AmyGs last blog post..Wordless Wednesday!
July 18th, 2008 at 9:30 am
Deb, I am so sorry for your and your family’s loss. I know it is hard to hear but you cannot blame yourself, as the kittens do move so fast and it was an accident. All our love in your time of grief!
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July 18th, 2008 at 11:52 am
I’m so sorry. {{{{HUGS}}}
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July 18th, 2008 at 5:32 pm
I can’t even imagine…I’m so sorry.
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July 18th, 2008 at 8:22 pm
I feel for you. I accidentally stepped on my kitten when I was 10 and was devastated. We were just playing and she laid down on a sweater in the middle of the floor. I didn’t even see her until it was too late. I couldn’t believe I killed a living being.
I am so sorry for your loss! I hope your hearts heal soon.
July 18th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
Deb, I just had to write again. I have been thinking of you, Ron and the girls all day. I know that today has been a rough one. I’m just hoping that you guys are ok. I know there are no words that will make it “all better” but just know that lots of people are thinking of you guys and sending you hugs.
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July 18th, 2008 at 8:36 pm
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July 18th, 2008 at 9:30 pm
Unfortunately, these things happen. If it was meant to be any other way, it would have. Please don’t blame yourself.
{{hugs}}
Beckis last blog post..Haiku Friday
July 18th, 2008 at 10:35 pm
I`m so sorry to hear that. It was just an accident, but I know I would feel as awful as you! Kittens are just so fast and unpredictable, though and I really don`t think it`s your fault at all.
Expat Moms last blog post..The Joys of “Just Trying to Help”
July 18th, 2008 at 10:46 pm
Oh, I’m so sorry to read this.
You poor thing. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this time. ((((Hugs))))
CrAzY Working Moms last blog post..Did you ever PEE on your head?!
July 19th, 2008 at 11:31 pm
Deb, my heart is just breaking for you. I’ve lost pets in my life, many in fact. I grew up with all kinds of pets and my parents never tried to hide the fact of death from us kids, even in our youngest years. I appreciate that. Don’t blame yourself, for an unfortunate accident.
Summers last blog post..The Dark Knight
July 20th, 2008 at 10:39 pm
Oh my (((HUGS))) I am so sorry…soo sorry!
Jenns last blog post..Do you ever find yourself just watching your children sleep?