Ok – I have a problem that I need your help with, oh wise moms (and dads – and grandparents) of the blogosphere.
Just a bit of backstory here – oh fine, pull up a chair, this might take a while. Sorry. 
I have been putting Abby and Hannah downstairs in the basement for ‘quiet time’ to watch a movie while Becca pretends to takes a nap upstairs in her room. Now they don’t always watch the movie – but as long as they play quietly, I don’t care.
Last week however, I realized yet again that ‘quiet’ can’t be the only criteria. Somehow a pair of the girls’ scissors had made it downstairs (I think they got knocked off a counter in the kitchen into the stairway), and the girls decided that the appropriate thing to do with them would be to cut apart just about every piece of play jewelery that they own.
There were beads and tiny necklace parts scattered all over the basement when I went downstairs later that day.
Mama wasn’t pleased.
To say the least.
All of the necklaces (and necklace pieces) went in the garbage – and the girls are now banned from using scissors for a while. And – after one other ‘destructive’ incident involving a bucket of chalk, I now monitor them much more closely during quiet time. And the chalk and play jewelry won’t be replaced, unless it comes out of their own money.
Ok. So – back to the dilemma. At some point last week, I noticed that Hannah suddenly had developed a chunk of what looked like bangs in the front of her hair. Now she always has little pieces of hair around the face that are growing in – but this seemed excessive for that. So I asked her what happened. And she said she didn’t know how they got there.
A couple of days later I mentioned the ‘bangs’ to her again and specifically asked her if she had cut her hair. She denied it several times – and did not have the ‘guilty’ face that makes me know immediately that she’s not telling me the truth. So I wondered, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt and didn’t think much more of it. I did ask the stylist about those pieces of hair when we got her hair cut the other day, and the stylist said that they could be new growth, but it looked more like it had been cut.
Hmmm.
Today – for reasons which I will go into much more detail on in my Tackle-It-Tuesday post this week – we moved the futon in the basement. And underneath it, along with some toys, a few pieces of trash, a whole lot of dust bunnies, and some old rolls of wrapping paper, we found this:
Yep – that’s a small pile of Hannah’s hair. Looks like she started the haircut herself while those scissors were downstairs.
Confronted with the evidence, she couldn’t really deny having cut her hair anymore, and I finally got a confession.
I kind of felt like a cross between a CSI and The Closer, lol. But hey – the evidence never lies, right?
So after grilling my 5-year-old, I was pretty much at a loss. I mean it’s not like she cut ALL of her hair (thank goodness). And honestly – the ‘bangs’, as crooked as they were, have been blended into the new haircut and actually look pretty darn cute with her shorter ‘do.
But – I can’t get over the fact that not only did she attempt to hide the evidence (albeit not very well), but she LIED to me about it.
More than once.
And that’s what I feel I need to punish more than anything. But the question is – how? I mean, giving her a time-out really isn’t going to teach her anything or make any kind of a difference in this case. I want her to understand the importance of telling the truth to me, no matter what she’s done. Because in this case it was a few snips of hair – but in years to come, she could have any number of other things to confess.
And I have the feeling that she’s going to get much more creative when it comes to hiding the evidence.
She knows that I’m very disappointed in her – and she was in tears while we were talking about it after we found the hair pile. But I don’t know if she truly understands that she can tell Ron or I anything, no matter what – and we will always still love her.
Even if we punish her. And we will – punish her, that is.
As soon as I figure out how. So please, oh blogging friends, I could really use some help trying to find a suitable punishment that will not just ‘punish’ her but also help her learn the lesson about trust and telling the truth.
Thank you!!
CrAzY Working Mom (4)
Harriet (3)
Marise (3)
MomOf4 (3)
Upstatemomof3 (3)
August 3rd, 2008 at 8:25 am
Bummer! I would take something away that would really hurt. For Oldest it would be Polly Pockets. All of the girls cuts look darling! As does your cut, darling, just darling!
Queen Mommys last blog post..Life
August 3rd, 2008 at 8:56 am
That’s a hard one. The only thing I could think of would be as Queen Mommy suggested, take away one of her favorite toys for a few days. Or, if there is a playdate or an outing you have planned, cancel that. I’m always telling my oldest that it’s always best to tell me the truth. Yes, you might still get in trouble, but maybe not so bad, like you would if you lie & hide it. Of course, I wonder if she’ll remember that when it counts? Probably not, lol.
AmyGs last blog post..Wow… I hit 100 posts!
August 3rd, 2008 at 9:01 am
Yeah, that’s a toughie. I’ve always told my kids that I’d be more upset and disappointed with them lying than the action they were lying about. And I love the Scripture “Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord.” Plus the explanation that if they lie about one thing, it will be hard to trust them on any issue.
Isn’t parenting fun?
Karen (Pediascribe)s last blog post..TRY NOT TO YAWN WHILE YOU READ THIS POST
August 3rd, 2008 at 9:25 am
We’ve had a continuing problem with my oldest two boys lying, and what we finally started doing is to double their punishment. If they would have been grounded one afternoon, it becomes two. If they would have had a spanking, they get two. We always make it very clear that the first punishment is for whatever they did, the second for lying.
Sometimes they lied about things that wouldn’t have gotten them in trouble in the first place, so when we punished them we stressed that they could have avoided it altogether.
By the time we hit on this lying was an ingrained habit for them, but it’s getting through. The only other thing I would add is that I’ve always found that the more immediate a punishment is, the better. If you can enact a punishment as soon as the crime is discovered, and if it’s something that is pretty much over right away, it connects better to the behavior you are trying to stop. I do use groundings with my older children, but after a day or so, the impact is lost.
Michelle Potters last blog post..My kids’ weird names
August 3rd, 2008 at 3:15 pm
Last week when she told me she didn’t know how her hair got cut, she didn’t look at me but purposely looked away. Right then, I knew that she knew she was going to get busted at some point. Whenever Noah gets in trouble for something, he pretty much always admits to it because he knows the punishment will be worse if he gets caught in a lie. I think a “grounding” of some degree would be in order and then explaining that the punishment would have been nothing near it had she told the truth about the hair in the first place.
Do you suppose that’s why she wanted to get her hair cut? To cover the evidence? She probably knew immediately when she did it that it was a big no-no and felt bad that she couldn’t undo it. She didn’t lie once, but repeatedly for the whole week. And to me as well as you. If you can make the punishment something that really sinks in, then she will remember that it is better to own up to things and be honest. That will serve her better when she gets older and her mistakes are on a bigger scale.
Kristis last blog post..My Second Movie Review and Some Soul Searching
August 3rd, 2008 at 4:39 pm
I think that so much time has elapsed that she wouldn’t really understand a punishment of any kind for the cutting of her hair. I’d be more likely to keep an ongoing conversation with her about telling the truth. Try to ask questions that will lead her to tell you why she didn’t want to tell you what she’d done. Talk with her, not to her. Sounds odd, doesn’t it?
Lynnes last blog post..I Finally Got My Prescription Sunglasses
August 3rd, 2008 at 5:58 pm
My daughter did the exact same thing when she was 5. I actually know a lot of kids who have done that. Unfortunately most kids to lie from time to time because they don’t want to get into trouble. My daughter talked in class once during a presentation when she was 8 and I got a phone call home from the teacher. Her punishment was a week without TV. She never talked in class again as far as I know.
Don’t worry too much about it though, all kids go through this.
Tammys last blog post..Where Is My Ernie?
August 3rd, 2008 at 7:32 pm
Kids will lie, there\’s nothing we can do about it. BUT, you have to let her know that it is unacceptable even with things that might not seem like such a big deal to her. I agree that punishment now might be harder for her to understand, but next time when the lie is discovered, it should be immediately addressed by an appropriate punishment.
We had to hide all scissors in our house after Shelby cut her hair. We knew she did it, though. There was no hiding of evidence. It was in the bathroom floor.
Good luck!
CrAzY Working Moms last blog post..Detour
CrAzY Working Moms last blog post..Detour
August 3rd, 2008 at 9:20 pm
Oh my. That’s a tough one. She knows she messed up so maybe as a first offense, your disappointment might be enough. Maybe talk to her about her punishment will be in the future if she ever lies again. Who knows, maybe she’ll be scared straight.
I agree that it should be revoked privileges as opposed to a time out.
Thea @ I’m a Drama Mamas last blog post..Vote now!!
August 3rd, 2008 at 10:26 pm
I have to say I agree with Lynne. I think too much time has passed for her to really get the point. I try to hit with a punishment as close to the problem behavior at possible. Although I’ve been known to pull out the old love and logic, “I’m too upset to decide how to handle your behavior right now, I”m going to have to think about a suitable punishment for a while” You’d be amazed at how waiting for the punishment becomes an even worse punishment.
As for the lying, we’ve made it very clear that whatever the punishment would have been is now double if they lie about it and I always make it very clear what was for the misbehavior and what was for the lie. Good luck, Debbie!
Bethns last blog post..What a week!
August 3rd, 2008 at 10:40 pm
I wish I had some great words of wisdom. I wish I had figured this out with my own daughter. What I do know is that, if you don’t find a way to address it now, it will just get worse.
I think you got some really great suggestions here. I especially agree with making sure she understands there is a separate punishment for lying, something that she would not have gotten if she had told the truth in the first place. For this time, your disappointment may be enough, as Thea said, but sit down with her and explain to her that, if she lies to you again, then the punishment will be such and such. Take something away that really means a lot to her. Hopefully, knowing what the consequences will be will help her to choose telling the truth in order to avoid those consequences.
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August 3rd, 2008 at 11:45 pm
My response was going to be very similar to Anna’s, so I won’t repeat it. One suggestion for a lying consequence is a drop of vinegar on the tongue. Because lies are bitter.
JenLive!s last blog post..Buzzin’ for the Weekend
August 4th, 2008 at 1:37 am
Oh man! I would be upset too and I’m glad to see all the advice you got here. I agree with the taking away of a toy or something that she really loves and as you do it tell her why you are taking it away and how sad she made you that she lied. So, you are now making her sad to show her it’s not fun to be sad and that she needs to tell the truth so you don’t have to take away her toys and make her sad.
August 4th, 2008 at 7:46 am
I cut off a chunk of my hair when I was a kid – and I told my parents a ghost did it. I personally think if she was crying when you told her how upset you were, that might be punishment enough – noone wants to feel their parents’ disappointment. I keep telling my sons that lying is the worst thing they can do. They understand but still keep lying, as kids do. Problem is, when they tell the truth, I have to remind myself to go easy on them. I tell them the reason they’re getting off easy is because they were honest. Hoping the message sticks eventually.
August 4th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
I think grounding is good. With our 3 older boys. They get spankings for lying along with the punishment for whatever they did. We are really trying to get through to them that telling us the truth up front will be better then lying….
My son cut some front hair on my daugther too. She is only 2 and he was 6. I cried the next day when I saw her hair. She has never had a hair cut. I don’t think he lied about it because we found the hair first. He got in big trouble. He got spanked and was grounded to his room for 2 or 3 days.
Mommy of 5
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August 4th, 2008 at 8:30 pm
My 6-year-old, Ally, cut a lock of her hair at the beginning of the summer. It was a small lock over to the side that is not obvious whatsoever to anyone besides me. I asked her about it and she denied it at first. After I took her into the bathroom and showed her the missing hair, she confessed. She was told she is not allowed to touch scissors for the entire summer. She is not allowed to bring them to anyone or cut anything herself until the first day of school. Not being allowed to touch scissors is a HUGE deal here as my girls love crafts. It is hard to make collages and other crafty things with a lack of scissors. I asked her the other day to bring me the scissors and she said to me “School hasnt started yet mom. I cant touch scissors remember?” I think she learned her lesson.
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August 7th, 2008 at 1:55 am
[...] – Well, I blogged about it earlier – but the pile of Hannah’s hair that we found under the futon in the basement was definitely a surprise. And no, I haven’t [...]
August 9th, 2008 at 10:38 am
I’d be at a loss for what to do, just as you are. Going into the lying and hiding evidence stage is going to stink!
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